All those pinches of salt.

'I'm breaking up with my therapist today.' Wouldn't that be a great post opener? Hooks you right in. The problem is, a) the term isn't 'breaking up' it's 'ending sessions with', or rather 'starting the process of the ending of sessions'... Which isn't as dramatic or delicious to read. And b) I actually already did that, whatever you want to call it, yesterday, so it's not quite true now. And writing 'I broke up with my therapist yesterday' doesn't have the same brutal honesty with time sensitivity attached. You don't feel like you're getting a peek in through the window, or the first taste of a hot and juicy scoop as it's going out the kitchen door. 

    So, here's what I wrote yesterday - 

I'm breaking up with my therapist today. Well, it's not a breakup, as such. She's recently sent emails round to me and I'm assuming her other clients informing us of a change in her fees, only a £5 increase but it gives me the perfect opportunity to bring up the subject of us parting ways in the near future. I'd been pondering on it for some time, thinking ahead to me moving into a new place and suddenly having to cough up a mortgage from somewhere, suddenly this mental safe space - this thoughtful playroom - became an expense. And I think once it becomes an expense, it's a sign. A positive sign, more than anything; hey, I'm feeling better! Or at least content and counselled enough to give up my weekly slot of weeping. 

Photo by Abhishek Navlakha.

   There you go. Now you know. I feel good about this decision. My weekly counselling sessions have been such a blessing, I've learned even more about the way my mind works and what I want and what I definitely don't need in my day-to-day life as well as my not-too-distant future, and what I can relieve myself of as it no longer serves me - and I've never been afraid or too self conscious to tell folks I'm getting this help. I said yesterday, 'I reserve the right to change my mind', which is a phrase I use quite a lot these days. I am fully prepared to get through the next few weeks of endings, only to turn back on myself and reevaluate. That's allowed.

   I also wrote this yesterday - 

   I feel like two sweaty swollen brains are wrestling inside me; one is riotously angry and insecure, the other is a few steps removed and calmly saying not to take it seriously, snort and swallow all those pinches of salt, because we're on our period. In the past few years, since coming off hormone 'help', we've/I've become even more mentally aligned with our/my? cycle and it's started to hit hard. So to that mind that's letting flames engulf it/her and huffing the smoke so loudly in the darkest corners, convinced that it's all going to go to shit and nobody likes us, our body is in bits and will never look good again - check the app. Don't worry. It'll all be over by next week - for another 30 days, at least.

I hope you enjoyed another insight into the inner workings of my mad mind. Chat soon,

G.